Not Even a blog....just a confession to myself

Sigh..i don't know where to start.  I'm not where i want to be in life, however i'm attempting to find my contentment.  Things have been kinda hard lately.  I'm trying to find some balance between doing what i need, want, have, and can't do.  I'm trying to learn to let go, but if you don't understand my growth process, how can that really work.  If you've never been through anything how do you process pain, if you know you have a story...how exactly do you explain.  It's like i'm slighty stuck in this paradigm shift.  The changes keep happening but instead of going higher it's cyclic and i keep rekindling the same dead fire..  Do i let go of everything and start over.  I don't really want to do that, however i know there are some things i need to be free from.  Some relationships that steadily poison me, without any reason to be kept i've held on to for dear life..or more death in this instance.  I'm in love with who i'm becoming and it's like i can see the tomorrows and can't manage the today.  I want peace but i'm at war, balance but i let go of what should be kept and vice versa.  When all comes to all i'm scared.  Terrified to actually be alone in this world.  Scared to be vulnerable enough to trust someone.  And terrified that God has bigger plans for me than i can imagine. So i succumb.  Give in to profanity, and drinking, and lust, and running.  Hide from who i am and let others "talk me into" being someone i'm not.  Nobody has the ability to talk me into anything i don't either want to do/thought about doing/or am using as an escape.  I need to be healthy...I WANT TO BE HEALTHY.  I'm tired of being mentally, physically, and spiritually unhealthy, and to what end.  What have i gained, exhaustion, obesity, and starvation for just a sip from God's hand.