What in really on

I like ppl I just dont have time for them. All the games, antics, lies, drama, circumstances, I'm just nt for it.  I'm nt better than anybody it's just somethings aren't worth the hassle.   Like come on y be difficult it's just not necessary.

B@mbalam ~ somtimes life is like that

I told myself it wouldn't happen again

I told myself that some walls need to stay whole.  Some barriers had to remain built.  But alas I failed myself again.  I was slightly intoxicated by your energy, so drawn in to something that seemed so  different, yet so familiar, turns out you were the same.  One of these days I will meet the person with whom I can share my secrets, however that isnt you.  We can be cool  maybe you'll be my best male friend, but beyond that I'm good.

It's interesting, what you know doesn't compare to  what you don't, and i'll  admit to that being my fault.  In the trials of finding myself certain aspects were left out of public eye.  I'm nt throwing you away but the  friend zone welcomes you with arms stretched wide.

I can't wait to meet the person I feel comfortable being honest with, until then i'll just  work on being honest with myself

B@mbalam ~ somtimes life is like that

B@mbalam ~ somtimes life is like that

I was made to be his

For  to long I have  believed I suffered with a duality of nature.  That I was both Tenesha and Min. Amos, this is  the root of my issue.  Tenesha does not create a seperate person outside of minister amos, no the truth of the matter is they are one in the same.  Daily I fight with the sins of the flesh but these sins do not  make up my personality not my character.  Things that cause me a spiritual fight are  burdens i should be working  to get rid of.  By   giving in to the life God has called me to I am  giving in to Gods will for my life.

For years I have known that apart of me was gone that didnt have to leave and I yearned for me.  Realizing this I was also blinded to just how much I had given.  Ive been through depression, atempted suicide, suffered from a form of  cutting that has left me scared all to no avail.   What was I missing, it's not like it wasnt right there I had been running from it all along.  When you have been called by God you have been tasked, you have a job, God is requiring more of you.  All of this I have known and until maybe this last month I didnt understand  how dynamic this was to my quality of life.  Through various trials and dealings I had been sinking further and further from my calling nd thus who God desired for me to be.  No more, I know that in christ I well experience the fulness of my character and thus glorify him all the more.  I know this  transition is not easy but neither was the rebellion. I bless God for enlightenment, for opening my eyes and for giving me a chance to be right in him.

My prayer for me and you

First nd foremost I thank God for you.  An answered prayer that I didn't know i was ready for.  I promise to respect you and honor you as God has deemed necessary.  I promise to motivate you when you are unsure of your course.  I will be your support system letting you know when I think something didn't make sense nd  praying for your success in all ventures.  I will love you.  Not like the love songs, but true non jealous, supportive, understanding, patient, not quick to anger love.  I promise you honesty.  Long as you are true to me I will always be true to us.  I  will promise you understanding.  We all have a past I promise to work on understanding how my past has shaped me nd not take out any, of the negative, on you.  I promise you life.  We will grow together, we will constantly change and I look forward to you  being the person that I do all these things with.

Tired of being strong

But defeat is not an option.  I feel like for the sum of my  adult life I've been fighting to keup my head barely above water.  I'm so tired. Mind, body, and soul.  I'm like worn out but the idea of giving up is completely unfathomable.

I look forward to the days when I dont feel so overwhelmed.  In combination with that I look forward to having a companion who understand and appreciates that behind the façade of cool theres alot that has and does go on with me.  It is my hope that my desires dont become  surealistic daydreams.   But who knows what the future holds.

Cause I'm in the mood to share

Lately I've been feeling my barriers of purposeful  repression melting away.  The effort to  keep from others my trueeee nature is getting old.  While I may be openin myself up for future hurts this protective measure is no longer more important than experiencing ppl.  I remember someone I thought I loved telling me I wasnt passionate.  This nt only  showed me  that they didn't know me at all bt that I might have been  getting in the way of my own relationship progress.

So the walls, brick by brick come down. I'm ready to give someone a chance to know the multi dimensions of me nd be honest abt getting to know other ppl.  Does the idea of not being restricted scare me, honestly yes, but what am i guarding myself from if I end up alone.  Im nt abt that life.  It's an interesting  somtimes  bewildering transition happening bt I'm ready.   Maybe i'll meet someone who makes it all worth it along the ride.

The tools are there what are you trying to build

As a Christian and a minister there are things that I have been struggling with that are admittedly my fault.  Not understanding all  of who I an and not seeking God's face for the answer had allowed me to embrace issues that were not mine to begin with.  I've taken on trials that are not mine and suffered mental  issues  within myself because of others insecurites.

This is not what I, and ESPECIALLY not God, want for my life.

There comes a place in ones life, if you live long enough and go through just enough trial where you learn that Gods promises are all you have in  this life to stand on.  But do you know any.  Find some and hold  on tight.

I AM BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE ~ so despite what the magazines, videos, books, and other ppl call beautiful, I am beautiful because first and foremost God says I am.

I AM THE LENDER ND NOT THE BORROWER~ despite whatever types of  financial difficulties I have encountered if I begin to strive to live a life  pleasing to God, including how I handle my finances God will move on my behalf so that it will be nothing short of a miracle how I have prospered

JESUS CAME THAT WE MIGHT HAVE LIFE, AND LIFE MORE ABUNDANTLY~ being a Christian  does not equate to struggle and somber mood au contraire.  Being a  christian should be a celebration for we are to kno Jesus lives and we serve a  risen savior.  THIS is not  to say that problems  will not arise,  however when they do we already know the source of our help.  God has promised us abundance so why get stuck  in the woods when you already what  lies on the other side.

I know this is lengthy but a new fire  has been lit in me.  I can no longer afford to claim God but live as if I dont know him. I do not expect this transition to be easy but I know it'll be worth it.

I've been going about this all wrong

I've been absentmindedly nd passively soaking up and speaking negativity into and over my God  ordained life.  No longer.  How often do we harp on negative instances,emotions and situations without giving a thought to anything positive in our lives.  It is time to be bold and active positive participants in our own lives.  We have to begin to realize the power that God instilled in each one of us.  Not only should we be changing our own lives, we should be positively, dynamically, affecting the  global community.  This is a call to action not just to myself but to all.  What are you living, what are you  putting into the universe.  Our maybe you're been like me, and going about God's plan for you all wrong.

Trueeeeee confessions

Feeling like a gemini inside, cause it seems like two distinct personalities are fighting for my life.  On one hand I'm trying to live holy and right....but the other side of me wants to loose control at night.   How do you reconcile two distinctly different personalities.  How do you stop yourself from feeling like your living a double life.  Whet parts do I hold on to and which parts need to be set free, how on earth do I live a life that mashes for a balanced me.

These are the thoughts, questions, and ponderings, that I daily analyze.  How do I live a life that is  pleasing to God and still feel like I haven't given up on me.  How do I balance my physical desires with my spiritual needs.  I need an answer cause it's killing me slowly.  Somtimes I feel like I've lost all control, like my backs against a wall and i'm failing... terribly

You excite me to chorus...

Inspiration is such a funny thing.  BE it the necessary push to look for a new job, the drive to make your dreams come true or the energy to write an amazing hit.  WE ALL EITHER INSPIRE OR SEEK INSPIRATION.
Me, well I try to do both.  Be inspiring by chasing the things that  inspire me.  And the smallest things can be ammunition.  A lingering hope, a forgone dream, a wish your heart makes (this last line tells me if you know me or nt).  So many muses if only we'd stop and look.  So many layers to life.  What opens your third eye?  What drives your life? Whats your passion?

Fu©k this $hit

I wanna write scream curse fight kirk....i hate feeling all outta sorts like this.   Idk wtf it is. Job pissed me off, ppl pluckin my nerves...all kinda shit....woosa lordie I'm just nt bt that life right now...I'm nt on it nt feeling it...ntn, I need a break from the bull shit just one constant positive cause I had my  share and then some of shit

Beautiful Surprise

The idea that I want all that I want with you is crazy.  It's like I know I'm being illogical but it's like you save a part of me I thought was gone.  And maybe i'm being hyper and reckless but I can't begin to care.  I want to experience life with, through, and because of you.  Everything in my pass tells me to sabatoge what could happen but everything in my heart  tells me to wait for you.  You, strange, unique, sexual, intellectual, hilarious, God fearing you. I can't even scare myself away.  I couldn't imagine giving you less than all of me.  My mind explodes with possibilities.  Like everyday we could learn something new.  I want to be afraid of you, of us, of anything we could be, but you're to  easy to love. It's like I've brwn being prepared for you.  I wasn't ready for you even a month ago.  You make me want ro not be shy.  Idk what it is.  Like life has clicked into place.

I think therefore I write

I yearn for peace.  Like the junky to the pipe and the wino to the bottle, peace is the only thing that keeps me.  Lately, my mental  space has been in turmoil, my wants, needs and actions are not equaling. I'm waiting for so much to happen, but then it's like what if what I want isnt what God wants for me at all.  What if what I'm praying for is not only not  what i need but something bad for me.  How do I know, and what do i do?

I think  about success.  My whole life I've known I was meant to be somebody, to touch lives, to make lives better.  However now when my heart is telling me I should be doing something, my feet and mind refuse to move.  I'm stuck in a seemingly dead end cycle of stagnant, yet ideas and dreams  constantly flood me.

I think of love. It was so easy  pretending to be a love hater. So easy to settle for being fwb cause "i dont want/need a commitment." Faking as if I didn't want a companion, as if I didn't yearn for someone to open up to as if I didn't want somebody to satisfy me spiritually, emotionally, and ultimately physically.  That was easy.  But that isnt me.  Now I have to face the pain of rejection as those around me go on dates, talk about who they like, dont like, and would never date.  Now i'm faced to admit that im lonely, that I wish it was me handing out my number and turning down dates for a change.  Now i'm faced with the reality that I can be girly, and I want someone to show off that side for.

I think about growing up.  Life is one long transitioning period for we're all constantly changing.  I'm on a path I've never seen. Learning to take the stepping stones I've encountered and not fret about the ones yet to come.  Admitting that I have had badddddd habits that have caused me strife, and it is my duty and personal responsibility to step up, step out of my downfall and step into my destiny.

I think about me.  Learning to be honest with oneself is one of the midst liberating and terrifying experiences all at once.  What do I do now that I  realize i have faults that I may or may not want to change.  How do I love myself enough to just be myself. I think  about it all.

And so I write.  To liberate myself from myself, and finally, confidently proclaim...I AM FREE AND HAPPY TO LOVE ME!!!!

I been looking around and you been here all along

That title doesn't really have anything to do with this blog...anywho

The topic of this mornings conversion is miracles.

MIRACLES

Not a very big word, nt really much to it but there is a large impact behind miracles.  But what are miracles.  Most ppl think winning the lottery is a miracle, not getting in a car accident, or having the child doctors said would never come forth.  What about the small things?  What about keeping employment during a recession, waking up in the morning, putting gas in your not repossessed car.  What about making breakfast for your family, or seeing a rainbow, what about sleeping through a thunderstorm. What about making true friends, what about growing in love, what about opening your heart, what about trusting God. 

So many different things can be miracles to so many ppl. Does that make our own miracles any higher or lower, not in my eyes.  Miracles are all around us.  Why are we waiting for the giant things when it's these little daily miracles that shape our lives.

Letters of love

Dear jaded,
Hey there lonely heart.  You have been lied to, hurt, disrespected.  Your trust had been abused.  Your secrets used against you and your love thrown away.  U have seen rock bottom and gone lower.  You have known pain  you have lost love.  You know what it is to have dreams destroyed, life taken, true heartbreak.  You thought you would never get up again.   You promised never to love again.  To stay guarded, to stay hurt free.

THE WORLD NEEDS YOU.

To be open again. To let one more in.  to give up on pain and love again.  Please turn your light back on.  Please dust yourself off, stand up nd give again.  The world is dying for your life.  You are someone unanswered prayer, you, jaded you.  Somebody is at the door where you are the key.  Please try again.  The one looking for you might be me.

Love,

You are what I need

Introversion at it's wildest

Most ppl that meet me dont believe I'm an introvert....if you meet me at work I'm smiling, talking, keeping the energy up.  If you meet me through someone you might catch me thinking, you might catch me laughing with  everyone else. 
Lets expand our  understanding of introversion.  Being an introvert does not equal shy an anti-social.  Introversion is meerly a different way of processing and appreciating the world.  It means I tend nt to talk just for talking sake, I dont generaly care for events involving large groups of people because it is physically draining.  This is nt to say that I only want to sit at home by myself, but given the chance 90% of the time if choose movie night with one or two  besties over a large party.
Now to completely  contradict  all that I adore dancing, laughing, and being utterly ridiculous....just on my time.  I feed off my reactions to myself versus others reactions to me.  I'm empowered by thinking, contemplating, creating, soaking, meditating...basically anything I can do alone and be comfortable doing.  I love ppl I just can't handle large doses.

Time on my hands....

So I've been thinking about these wonderful, or not so wonderful, things called feelings.  Sometimes they make everything but sometimes they get in the way.....either way everybody at one point or another has to deal with those feelings.

Some fight and act as if feelings don't affect them, others are driven by their feelings leading to irrational decision making.  What about those ppl who just dont know how to handle feelings, be they good, bad or indifferent. 

I believe our feelings are our most meaningful representation of ourselves. Our feelings and how we embrace them is how we give the world a piece of ourselves, if nt for feelings how would we know and show the world that we have something unique to offer.  Now I've nt been someone quick to embrace my feelings on the same hand I didnt always realize I had something unique to offer the world.  So yes I do I have feelings.  I have desires I want to explore, lust I want to cave into and fears I want to overcome.  The best part about all of those things is that they all help make me..wellllllll me.  So yes I embrace my multitude of feelings, cause ya know they got me thinking.

Shorty Swing my way

So I just found out that this lady I know is a swinger. Personaly idk how I feel abt that.  Like whats the difference between swinging and having an open relationship.  Whats the point of getting married if you know ur gonna sleep with other people...idk I need a lesson...i dnt think my mind is quite that open

Himaholic

This damn song....kelly price....google it

Will you always

So I was recently told that scorpios always have one that they just dont let go of.  I dont know if thats true.  For me no, I love and I love damn hard. However, I break even.  I used to fight for love, or what I thought love was.  Not anymore.  You don't have to fight for what wants to stay there so no I dont have a never go away.  While the ppl I have dealt with have affected me, grown me, showed me what I want, don't want nd will never accept again.

I find my history interesting.  It's been some highs lows and wtfs, bt it's been me.

I PROMISE THESE THINGS TO YOU

So I've been thinking about relationships and listening to love songs and it got me to thinking.  What are my true love truths.  So I figured I'd take the time and list some personal promises to whomever I end up with.

1. I promise that God, you and I will be the only ones in our relationship.
     ~ while our joys may be world renowned or issues will remain with us.
2. I promise to do my best to be my best.
     ~ I have no illusions of personal perfection, BUT I will strive to be a little better each day
3. I promise to have your back.
    ~ long as you're following God I will follow him in you.  I will support your dreams and as much as possible help you reach them.
4. I promise not give up on us.
    ~ life is hard, there are difficult times, there are tight times, but when the rain comes i'm nt flying away I'll have my umbrella and rain boots until the sun shines again.

These are my promises, things I believe help a relationship not just be healthy bt also prosper.

Welcome, welcome, welcome back

Welp.  She's baaaaaaack.  Blogging app on my phone = more frequent updates, let the crowds rejoice.  So its been almost a year since my last blog nd im nt gonna go into the years dramas bt I will talk abt the good things.  I'm finding myself opening up, like I wanna talk and share and all that jazz.
Random tidbit...my mind has been absolutely swimmin, SWIMMIN...and its all because of youuuuu lmao.   I dont know how I feel about this situation I mean I have never felt so connected like strangely I don't even mind.  More on this later, n t ways...I'M BACK