I'm just not settling for crumbs

There comes a time in every young females life where she meets a 'him'. 'He' is gorgeous nice job, makes her laugh, makes her feel secure, makes her comfortable, basically she is happy with him. Sometimes this "him" is the he for her. Sometimes not so much. Sometimes he is her right now, sometimes her forever, sometimes her never. I guess i've decided to tell a story of my right now, what i wanted for my forever, and the one i knew would be my never. *Names have been changed*

SHARDONEE

My right now. I loved her. I mean truly loved her. How it even got to that point i'm not sure. We were friends but I knew she wanted more than that. However, I didn't want to give in, but, as 3 nights a week turned in to every night and ttyl turned into I love you I fell. Truly i did love her, still care about her but something wasn't right. We in the midst had to many lies. We had great times, but when we fought, i realized she was dealing with issues outside of me. And i had been using her to runaway from issues i didn't want to see. At that time she was my right now. Right now, or well then, i just need it someone who would tell me everything would be alright. Someone who would tell me that I was beautiful and worthy and we were going to be happy. Right now i needed someone to perpetrate my fairy tale. Well in reality fairy tales don't exist and there isn't always a happy ending.

LEVON

The one I wanted forever. And truly i thought i wanted him forever. Despite his faults, my faults, the faults in our nonexistent relationship, he was the one i thought i could change. I figured if i just love him with all of me he will be completely mine. Not so I was giving him me when unbeknownst to me he had given his heart to someone already. I thought it was on reserve for me. That he was my forever, my soulmate, my love was just waiting for me to be ready. Don't they say love was blind. Oh there were signs and hindsight is 20/2o and all the wonderful cliches. But when ur in it u just don't want to let go. Almost can't let go, when you're willing to give and let that person embrace your soul. Like the song says "forever never comes"

"September-Cry For You"

Forever and ever
Life is now or
never
Forever never comes around
(People love and let go)
Forever and
ever
Life is now or never
Forever's gonna slow you down

TREVANTE'

Alas, my never. I knew from the minute we started that we'd never be for real. I wasn't looking for love he was engaged and I'm not going down the homewrecker/mistress path. But yet and still, somehow we thought we were different. We were each other's escape. When we didn't feel love or when we just wanted someone else to talk to. The comfort of another's understanding. If only we really understood how we were hurting ourselves. We were forging a breakable connection out of lust that became love. But when the lust was gone, where was the love. We tried and maybe we were confused about the path. I knew, well now I say that, that this was wrong, but it shouldn't have started. We just couldn't be.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/mznesha87

I don't think you unworthy i need a moment to deliberate

*blog title is alanis morissette-POW POW POW*

I don't actually have a topic today I just needed to write. This blog is a rather interesting experience because, before all other writing methods, i am a poet. If you have noticed I have made a deliberate effort not to include any poems on this blog page...maybe i'll start a second one for that. Anyways, by not writing poetry I actually have to either directly say, or purposely find a way to say all that is in this head and heart to say. *editor's interlude So little to say but so much time,Despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.* Yea that's kinda how i feel right before i start typing. Basically how do I translate emotion, thought, idea, my essence into words, when using a format i'm not used to. And thus hear come the song lyric interuptions. Honestly *we gotta open up our mind's Cause music is life...for life* Music for me is my poetry written by somebody else explaining how I feel, sometimes when even I can't. Now that i've said all that the reason for the blog title.

I find more times than not when i'm dealing with someone on a personal level at least once time during the course of our years i will hear "but Tenesha you're just not open, be open with me share with me." Now hear is the deal. It's not that I don't want to be open. Well it is but not because I just don't want to be open...let me give you a run down of why.

1) You're just more interesting to me.
I already know me. I kno my quirks, my interest, my desires, my dreams. I, however, do not know you. I want to be inside your head. I'm so fascinated witht he human condition that it rarely occurs to me that you might be interested in the same manner. LearninG others is just one of those things I do.

2) What cha wan kno?!?!
What do you mean tell me something about you? Um i'm a girl. Shit, idk how to answer that question. So what do you wanna know. It's not that i don't want to share, I say again, but damn, what am i supposed to be telling you exactly. Chances are if you're asking questions i'm not offering answers its just the way my mind works...call me crazy lol...u wouldn't be the first

Well i think i'm out of words for this one so i guess THAT'S ALL FOLKS LOL

i am...BLACK CULTURE...you r...BLACK CULTURE...we are...BLACK CULTURE

*NESHA'S NOTES~ in case you haven't noticed blog titles will always either be song lyrics or a witty ancedote that applies to the topic...that is all...ON TO TODAY'S BLOG. also my notes and randoms in my blogs will be italicized or a different color*

If you know me...which if you read me some part of you does, you should know by now that "i'm not your average girl from the video." Sorry i'm sleepy as I write, this will not meet any form of expectation. Ok once again will i'm kinda strange. I'm not your "predictable, average, run-of-the-mill, garden variety loverrrrrrr." But honestly i'm not your regular girl from the hood, black girl with hoop earrings, attitude and more brand names than a little bit. I'm honestly, well just me. Tatted and pierced, overweight, brand name illiterate, and well rather preppy in personality. So my question or thought of the day is "Whats the deal with BLACK culture?" Now don't misinterpret me, i love my people, and iRep black until the day I die, but does that mean i'm supposed to be stuck inside of certain confines of what is black culture. Now my sister has been called white because she has her sternum pierced me because i have my tragus pierced and i tend to speak, well rather proper *i speak 1000xs better than i type don't hold it against me...shit it's my blog.*
So where do i fit into the idea of 'black culture.' Am I any less black because I choose to wear a relaxer, anymore black because I can roll my neck, cop major attitude, and fry chicken. Am i any less black because i rock tats and chucks, flats, and vans are shoes i'm all for. Any more black because I go to a church where they shout, my grandma will beat anyone in the family, and i dear you to say a damn thing about my ma w/o repercussions. Or am i just not black enough cause i'm not beating ass all the time. Can you tell me whats the thing about 'black culture'

My black culture is me being me. Me embracing every side of me what some ppl would call preppy, punk, urban, chic, all of it. My black culture is the fact that I am and individual. iRep team me. I am true to myself cause only I know all my true colors.

So Mz B was right...I AM....U R...WE ARE...BLACK CULTURE