What in really on

I like ppl I just dont have time for them. All the games, antics, lies, drama, circumstances, I'm just nt for it.  I'm nt better than anybody it's just somethings aren't worth the hassle.   Like come on y be difficult it's just not necessary.

B@mbalam ~ somtimes life is like that

I told myself it wouldn't happen again

I told myself that some walls need to stay whole.  Some barriers had to remain built.  But alas I failed myself again.  I was slightly intoxicated by your energy, so drawn in to something that seemed so  different, yet so familiar, turns out you were the same.  One of these days I will meet the person with whom I can share my secrets, however that isnt you.  We can be cool  maybe you'll be my best male friend, but beyond that I'm good.

It's interesting, what you know doesn't compare to  what you don't, and i'll  admit to that being my fault.  In the trials of finding myself certain aspects were left out of public eye.  I'm nt throwing you away but the  friend zone welcomes you with arms stretched wide.

I can't wait to meet the person I feel comfortable being honest with, until then i'll just  work on being honest with myself

B@mbalam ~ somtimes life is like that

B@mbalam ~ somtimes life is like that

I was made to be his

For  to long I have  believed I suffered with a duality of nature.  That I was both Tenesha and Min. Amos, this is  the root of my issue.  Tenesha does not create a seperate person outside of minister amos, no the truth of the matter is they are one in the same.  Daily I fight with the sins of the flesh but these sins do not  make up my personality not my character.  Things that cause me a spiritual fight are  burdens i should be working  to get rid of.  By   giving in to the life God has called me to I am  giving in to Gods will for my life.

For years I have known that apart of me was gone that didnt have to leave and I yearned for me.  Realizing this I was also blinded to just how much I had given.  Ive been through depression, atempted suicide, suffered from a form of  cutting that has left me scared all to no avail.   What was I missing, it's not like it wasnt right there I had been running from it all along.  When you have been called by God you have been tasked, you have a job, God is requiring more of you.  All of this I have known and until maybe this last month I didnt understand  how dynamic this was to my quality of life.  Through various trials and dealings I had been sinking further and further from my calling nd thus who God desired for me to be.  No more, I know that in christ I well experience the fulness of my character and thus glorify him all the more.  I know this  transition is not easy but neither was the rebellion. I bless God for enlightenment, for opening my eyes and for giving me a chance to be right in him.

My prayer for me and you

First nd foremost I thank God for you.  An answered prayer that I didn't know i was ready for.  I promise to respect you and honor you as God has deemed necessary.  I promise to motivate you when you are unsure of your course.  I will be your support system letting you know when I think something didn't make sense nd  praying for your success in all ventures.  I will love you.  Not like the love songs, but true non jealous, supportive, understanding, patient, not quick to anger love.  I promise you honesty.  Long as you are true to me I will always be true to us.  I  will promise you understanding.  We all have a past I promise to work on understanding how my past has shaped me nd not take out any, of the negative, on you.  I promise you life.  We will grow together, we will constantly change and I look forward to you  being the person that I do all these things with.

Tired of being strong

But defeat is not an option.  I feel like for the sum of my  adult life I've been fighting to keup my head barely above water.  I'm so tired. Mind, body, and soul.  I'm like worn out but the idea of giving up is completely unfathomable.

I look forward to the days when I dont feel so overwhelmed.  In combination with that I look forward to having a companion who understand and appreciates that behind the façade of cool theres alot that has and does go on with me.  It is my hope that my desires dont become  surealistic daydreams.   But who knows what the future holds.

Cause I'm in the mood to share

Lately I've been feeling my barriers of purposeful  repression melting away.  The effort to  keep from others my trueeee nature is getting old.  While I may be openin myself up for future hurts this protective measure is no longer more important than experiencing ppl.  I remember someone I thought I loved telling me I wasnt passionate.  This nt only  showed me  that they didn't know me at all bt that I might have been  getting in the way of my own relationship progress.

So the walls, brick by brick come down. I'm ready to give someone a chance to know the multi dimensions of me nd be honest abt getting to know other ppl.  Does the idea of not being restricted scare me, honestly yes, but what am i guarding myself from if I end up alone.  Im nt abt that life.  It's an interesting  somtimes  bewildering transition happening bt I'm ready.   Maybe i'll meet someone who makes it all worth it along the ride.

The tools are there what are you trying to build

As a Christian and a minister there are things that I have been struggling with that are admittedly my fault.  Not understanding all  of who I an and not seeking God's face for the answer had allowed me to embrace issues that were not mine to begin with.  I've taken on trials that are not mine and suffered mental  issues  within myself because of others insecurites.

This is not what I, and ESPECIALLY not God, want for my life.

There comes a place in ones life, if you live long enough and go through just enough trial where you learn that Gods promises are all you have in  this life to stand on.  But do you know any.  Find some and hold  on tight.

I AM BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE ~ so despite what the magazines, videos, books, and other ppl call beautiful, I am beautiful because first and foremost God says I am.

I AM THE LENDER ND NOT THE BORROWER~ despite whatever types of  financial difficulties I have encountered if I begin to strive to live a life  pleasing to God, including how I handle my finances God will move on my behalf so that it will be nothing short of a miracle how I have prospered

JESUS CAME THAT WE MIGHT HAVE LIFE, AND LIFE MORE ABUNDANTLY~ being a Christian  does not equate to struggle and somber mood au contraire.  Being a  christian should be a celebration for we are to kno Jesus lives and we serve a  risen savior.  THIS is not  to say that problems  will not arise,  however when they do we already know the source of our help.  God has promised us abundance so why get stuck  in the woods when you already what  lies on the other side.

I know this is lengthy but a new fire  has been lit in me.  I can no longer afford to claim God but live as if I dont know him. I do not expect this transition to be easy but I know it'll be worth it.

I've been going about this all wrong

I've been absentmindedly nd passively soaking up and speaking negativity into and over my God  ordained life.  No longer.  How often do we harp on negative instances,emotions and situations without giving a thought to anything positive in our lives.  It is time to be bold and active positive participants in our own lives.  We have to begin to realize the power that God instilled in each one of us.  Not only should we be changing our own lives, we should be positively, dynamically, affecting the  global community.  This is a call to action not just to myself but to all.  What are you living, what are you  putting into the universe.  Our maybe you're been like me, and going about God's plan for you all wrong.

Trueeeeee confessions

Feeling like a gemini inside, cause it seems like two distinct personalities are fighting for my life.  On one hand I'm trying to live holy and right....but the other side of me wants to loose control at night.   How do you reconcile two distinctly different personalities.  How do you stop yourself from feeling like your living a double life.  Whet parts do I hold on to and which parts need to be set free, how on earth do I live a life that mashes for a balanced me.

These are the thoughts, questions, and ponderings, that I daily analyze.  How do I live a life that is  pleasing to God and still feel like I haven't given up on me.  How do I balance my physical desires with my spiritual needs.  I need an answer cause it's killing me slowly.  Somtimes I feel like I've lost all control, like my backs against a wall and i'm failing... terribly