Not Even a blog....just a confession to myself

Sigh..i don't know where to start.  I'm not where i want to be in life, however i'm attempting to find my contentment.  Things have been kinda hard lately.  I'm trying to find some balance between doing what i need, want, have, and can't do.  I'm trying to learn to let go, but if you don't understand my growth process, how can that really work.  If you've never been through anything how do you process pain, if you know you have a story...how exactly do you explain.  It's like i'm slighty stuck in this paradigm shift.  The changes keep happening but instead of going higher it's cyclic and i keep rekindling the same dead fire..  Do i let go of everything and start over.  I don't really want to do that, however i know there are some things i need to be free from.  Some relationships that steadily poison me, without any reason to be kept i've held on to for dear life..or more death in this instance.  I'm in love with who i'm becoming and it's like i can see the tomorrows and can't manage the today.  I want peace but i'm at war, balance but i let go of what should be kept and vice versa.  When all comes to all i'm scared.  Terrified to actually be alone in this world.  Scared to be vulnerable enough to trust someone.  And terrified that God has bigger plans for me than i can imagine. So i succumb.  Give in to profanity, and drinking, and lust, and running.  Hide from who i am and let others "talk me into" being someone i'm not.  Nobody has the ability to talk me into anything i don't either want to do/thought about doing/or am using as an escape.  I need to be healthy...I WANT TO BE HEALTHY.  I'm tired of being mentally, physically, and spiritually unhealthy, and to what end.  What have i gained, exhaustion, obesity, and starvation for just a sip from God's hand.

What in really on

I like ppl I just dont have time for them. All the games, antics, lies, drama, circumstances, I'm just nt for it.  I'm nt better than anybody it's just somethings aren't worth the hassle.   Like come on y be difficult it's just not necessary.

B@mbalam ~ somtimes life is like that

I told myself it wouldn't happen again

I told myself that some walls need to stay whole.  Some barriers had to remain built.  But alas I failed myself again.  I was slightly intoxicated by your energy, so drawn in to something that seemed so  different, yet so familiar, turns out you were the same.  One of these days I will meet the person with whom I can share my secrets, however that isnt you.  We can be cool  maybe you'll be my best male friend, but beyond that I'm good.

It's interesting, what you know doesn't compare to  what you don't, and i'll  admit to that being my fault.  In the trials of finding myself certain aspects were left out of public eye.  I'm nt throwing you away but the  friend zone welcomes you with arms stretched wide.

I can't wait to meet the person I feel comfortable being honest with, until then i'll just  work on being honest with myself

B@mbalam ~ somtimes life is like that

B@mbalam ~ somtimes life is like that

I was made to be his

For  to long I have  believed I suffered with a duality of nature.  That I was both Tenesha and Min. Amos, this is  the root of my issue.  Tenesha does not create a seperate person outside of minister amos, no the truth of the matter is they are one in the same.  Daily I fight with the sins of the flesh but these sins do not  make up my personality not my character.  Things that cause me a spiritual fight are  burdens i should be working  to get rid of.  By   giving in to the life God has called me to I am  giving in to Gods will for my life.

For years I have known that apart of me was gone that didnt have to leave and I yearned for me.  Realizing this I was also blinded to just how much I had given.  Ive been through depression, atempted suicide, suffered from a form of  cutting that has left me scared all to no avail.   What was I missing, it's not like it wasnt right there I had been running from it all along.  When you have been called by God you have been tasked, you have a job, God is requiring more of you.  All of this I have known and until maybe this last month I didnt understand  how dynamic this was to my quality of life.  Through various trials and dealings I had been sinking further and further from my calling nd thus who God desired for me to be.  No more, I know that in christ I well experience the fulness of my character and thus glorify him all the more.  I know this  transition is not easy but neither was the rebellion. I bless God for enlightenment, for opening my eyes and for giving me a chance to be right in him.

My prayer for me and you

First nd foremost I thank God for you.  An answered prayer that I didn't know i was ready for.  I promise to respect you and honor you as God has deemed necessary.  I promise to motivate you when you are unsure of your course.  I will be your support system letting you know when I think something didn't make sense nd  praying for your success in all ventures.  I will love you.  Not like the love songs, but true non jealous, supportive, understanding, patient, not quick to anger love.  I promise you honesty.  Long as you are true to me I will always be true to us.  I  will promise you understanding.  We all have a past I promise to work on understanding how my past has shaped me nd not take out any, of the negative, on you.  I promise you life.  We will grow together, we will constantly change and I look forward to you  being the person that I do all these things with.

Tired of being strong

But defeat is not an option.  I feel like for the sum of my  adult life I've been fighting to keup my head barely above water.  I'm so tired. Mind, body, and soul.  I'm like worn out but the idea of giving up is completely unfathomable.

I look forward to the days when I dont feel so overwhelmed.  In combination with that I look forward to having a companion who understand and appreciates that behind the façade of cool theres alot that has and does go on with me.  It is my hope that my desires dont become  surealistic daydreams.   But who knows what the future holds.

Cause I'm in the mood to share

Lately I've been feeling my barriers of purposeful  repression melting away.  The effort to  keep from others my trueeee nature is getting old.  While I may be openin myself up for future hurts this protective measure is no longer more important than experiencing ppl.  I remember someone I thought I loved telling me I wasnt passionate.  This nt only  showed me  that they didn't know me at all bt that I might have been  getting in the way of my own relationship progress.

So the walls, brick by brick come down. I'm ready to give someone a chance to know the multi dimensions of me nd be honest abt getting to know other ppl.  Does the idea of not being restricted scare me, honestly yes, but what am i guarding myself from if I end up alone.  Im nt abt that life.  It's an interesting  somtimes  bewildering transition happening bt I'm ready.   Maybe i'll meet someone who makes it all worth it along the ride.