(i wish you'd) always be my friend

Good things don't last forever baby, but somethin bout ya boy just drives me crazy, ain't no if, ands, buts, or maybes, i wish you'd always be my friend. -modified excerpt from good things by rich boy. So 1 i apologize for my 2 week lapse in posting. I just haven't known what to say. But that line kind of sums up where my head is. I miss my shuga high. I really do. I mean I knew that this was inevitable, I knew eventually one of us would step out of the dream we created into reality, but why'd it have to be me. Now my phone is lonely, longing for ur text, just to see ur name on the screen, just to laugh at the things you'd say to me. Just to go back to those hours where you made me forget that i'm lonely. What a strange place you occupied. Its almost like you cause me to mental subside from my resident life of ick. You were able to single handedly make me smile just by saying hey *floetry moment hey you sorry that i had to leave i'll try to come back...one day* thats also how I feel. I wish we could have a balance, but alas, life does not work how you want it to. I must let go of you, to love you. It would hurt more to wait, but it hurts now. I hope that if you read this you know I really don't plan on ever not loving you. And while our triste of sorts was fast you are important to me. U hold immense value, not just in my mind, but in my heart. I miss you, i miss our conversations, and i hope that things are looking up. Nightly i wish i could be those things you wanted me to be. IF only the stipulations where there, and the consequences weren't so great. I love you shuga high. At least in my heart, you will alway be my friend. *tear*

currently suffering from personality type IDGAF

as in (I) (D)on't (G)ive (A) (F)uck. I'm currently at a place in my life where my tolerance for the illogical is ever dwindling. As in, if it doesn't make sense, keep that shit to yourself. I don't feel like being specific, but I find myself questioning the sanity of the ppl that have been known to be around me. General examples, if something doesn't positively, shit or negatively, affect your life, why even deal with it. Why settle for ignorance and stupidity that doesn't have to be apart of your life? Why settle for actions that don't equate for to the words? Why am i settling for being a diary when I have things that I already need to pour out of me? Why do we all do such crazy things? Occasionally I've been known as rose colored glasses/or blinders. Hiding from the truth. Honestly, I see the truth I just ignore it until I'm satisfied with the situation. It's gonna suck because I'm not going to be the one to leave. However, you'll leave when you don't need me anymore. It's the story of human nature. We are users, we are survivors, we take what we need from where we can get it and leave the rest for as damaged goods for some other person to deal with. So what do i do when you don't need me anymore. The same thing I always do when that happens, i look at the lesson, appreciate the blessing, and keep stepping. Some things just aren't worth harping on, and I'm not strong enough for the both of us.

...and i'm lonely, cuz ur not, around

I didn't want to get to this point. I did not wanna feel this way. I did not want to miss you. OMG it's actually true, I wish i could fall for you. God how i wish that I was free to be completely open with you. How I wish there could be no backlash from feeling this way. And yet i knew exactly what I was getting into, or did I. I don't think I meant for this to happen, we just clicked. Theres something about you that kinda connects to my soul. Your personality, well it's what i've been searching for, and that sucks. So I wait. Kinda, just sit back and silently miss you. Would be awesome if i could dive in and just give it up to you (song reference). However, thats not the role that has been destined for me. It makes me think. If I can have grown so attached to you, so desirous of your presence. If I can regularly long to have you fill my space. Why do i not get the chance. Life kinda isn't fair like that. I've finally found someone that i want to be real with, that i'm willing to be quirky me with, and that i believe would be 100 with me, and yet it just can't be.

...sorry ms. sullivan but i'm scared of lions, tigers, bears, and love

Tis true. I'm terrified of this crazy thing called love. And it shows. I'm awkward, shy, insecure, passive. All things that are not part of my true personality. Truly i'm rather crazy. Actually i'm quite boistrous, confident, and i've been told i have a rather magnetic personality. So what is my hang up with love. It's like when I get around ppl i just can't get it together. I turn into a recluse, much like a terrified turtle retreating into it's shell my personality hides behind the shyness veil of me. I've been on a search to see why I can't just be me. My sister pointed out a good thing yesterday, by coming off as scared/shy i don't actually have to interact with people. How often do you approach someone who is honestly, not approachable. By having this static character i'm never forced to have conversations with people, or think what if they actually happen to like me. What is the worse thing that would happen, life would go on might make some new friends might make some new enemies, either way life would not be dynamicly changed. So maybe I can do this. I can let go of fear. I can be me. It's not going to be easy and i'm not imagining this is going to be an overnight fix. But out of lions, tigers, and bears, and love, i'm willing to give love a try.

...i don't know how

I've been wondering why I've been so unsettled lately. I realize, i just don't know how to deal with emotions. I can handle happy and all the good things. However, it's like i just can't process the sad and angry and fearful emotions. Crazy I know. In the last 2 years I have lost 2 of the most important people to me. In 2009 alone I lost 3 family members. While I was not close to 2 of them it was still a difficult process.

Today, June 9, 2010, marks the 2 year anniversary of the death of Pastor, Dr. Edward Smith. This man had been my pastor since i was age 7. However, he was so much more to me than a pastor. He was my spiritual father. He was a father, pastor, teacher, mentor, motivator. He was inspiration. Now as i reflect back on him, it's almost as if i didn't realize just how important to me he was. He was more important to me than having my father walk me down the aisle. It was more important that this man approved of and participated in my wedding. Now that he's gone I guess there's a void. It's almost as if i didn't know the space he occupied, and now i don't know how to feel it. I just don't know how to reconcile with my heart that he is gone. And now a full two years later i feel the grieve. Suddenly, at work, a pain overtakes my heart. It's almost as if i could just go in the back office and cry. Just to cry and finally let it out. I miss him.

Then the death of my baby mama. My momo, my sister, my friend, my confidant. She was the one I went to with the most secret of secrets. She knew me. To think that at age 21, her life was stolen from her, is surreal to me. I know that I have not come to terms with her death, and I don't know when i will. Her death has left a whole in my soul that will not easily heal. Is it true that a piece of my heart is gone, did she really leave my 11 month godchild to not know her mother. To much pain and nowhere for it to go.

These pains have changed me. Did i want to change, well no i didn't. However, i do not know how to deal. I just now fully recognize the importance of both of them in my life, and they are both long gone. So yea, I'm trying to heal. While i attempt to do so, plz realize i really don't know how.

I feel so pretty, picture perfect, beautiful

Honestly and truly, I really just like this picture. IDK y

...i promise these things to you (girl) just believe, I Promise

I have long wanted a change in my life. I've wanted to be healthy #GetFit and altogether had an idea of the person i want to be. Yet year after year goes by, and the problems get worse and the changes never come and it gets harder to journey down that long road. Welp...no longer. My new motto don't save for tomorrow a change you can make today. Starting today I'm making some promises and changes to myself. These promises are for my own happiness and health. I have a life to save, my own, from me.

1. I promise to try~this does not mean i will see every 'i' cross every 't' or reach every goal as soon as I'd like. But it does mean that i will keep going. When I fall down I will get back up and get back to it. If i have a lazy day, it will not turn into a lazy week.
2. I will motivate myself~Only I have the power to create the change i wish to see in my life. Starting today, this moment, I will actively pursue these changes. My life will be motivation enough for me to have a fulfilling life. Life is not about being safe and living easy, it's about taking risk and living to please God in your own facets. From now on I will.
3. I will #GETFIT~I don't expect this journey of mine to be easy. I have a very long way to go, however, I do acknowledge that this is a traversable road. It is possible for me to get fit and I will, through sweat and tears I will get to a healthier me.
4. I will love~For years I've been the girl who couldn't be moved. I would say I loved, but I refused to give in. I want to experience life fully. For all the ups, downs, and arounds, and I will. I will be pleasant instead of spiteful, fruitful instead of angry, and healed instead of hurt.
5. I WILL SUCCEED because honestly I have no other option.

RUN AWAY FROM HOME...(yung fresh n new)

Sooooooo...i've been contemplating the big move. The state jump, the getaway, and i've decided to go away. I've made up my mind to leave. My season in VA is over. My run has been some good some bad some down right ugly but it was my run. Now it's time for me to move on while i'm still young *hint* fresh *wink* and i'll appreciate the new. I'm excited i'm a little scared but i'm also determined. I believe moving to SC will only bring good things my way and i'm extremly excited for that. So while my body is in va my heart *wink* and mind are already in SC. I'm ready to leave.

...what do you do, when love is lost...

Have you ever had that one person in your life that you'd give your all for. Romantic or family. The one person that knows they have strings and ties to your heart. What happens when that person will only take advantage of your love for them. What happens when they hurt you more than their capacity to love you. What happens when they don't know how you need to be loved? In my case love is lost. I have a long change, a history of sorts, of giving my all for nothing. Compared to the puppy that is abused and keeps going back for more. Yea, sadly, that has been me, my heart has been broken by first loves and family alike. And it's almost as if they didn't even realize the damage they were doing. As if they couldn't see that maybe, just maybe she is human. Maybe she isn't my superhero, maybe i need to stand on my own two feet. Does that happen, not usually. It has yet to occur in my life that the ones that hurt me most realize that they hurt more than they've ever helped. Yea then love is lost. It's not that you stop loving that person, it's just that you learn to love yourself more. There comes a time in each persons life, where they realize what they will settle for and what they won't. And whats worth it and whats not. I'm realizing i'm worth my being happy. And if that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable, well i'm sorry to hear it. But i have to be happy. And at first it starts with me.