...i don't know how

I've been wondering why I've been so unsettled lately. I realize, i just don't know how to deal with emotions. I can handle happy and all the good things. However, it's like i just can't process the sad and angry and fearful emotions. Crazy I know. In the last 2 years I have lost 2 of the most important people to me. In 2009 alone I lost 3 family members. While I was not close to 2 of them it was still a difficult process.

Today, June 9, 2010, marks the 2 year anniversary of the death of Pastor, Dr. Edward Smith. This man had been my pastor since i was age 7. However, he was so much more to me than a pastor. He was my spiritual father. He was a father, pastor, teacher, mentor, motivator. He was inspiration. Now as i reflect back on him, it's almost as if i didn't realize just how important to me he was. He was more important to me than having my father walk me down the aisle. It was more important that this man approved of and participated in my wedding. Now that he's gone I guess there's a void. It's almost as if i didn't know the space he occupied, and now i don't know how to feel it. I just don't know how to reconcile with my heart that he is gone. And now a full two years later i feel the grieve. Suddenly, at work, a pain overtakes my heart. It's almost as if i could just go in the back office and cry. Just to cry and finally let it out. I miss him.

Then the death of my baby mama. My momo, my sister, my friend, my confidant. She was the one I went to with the most secret of secrets. She knew me. To think that at age 21, her life was stolen from her, is surreal to me. I know that I have not come to terms with her death, and I don't know when i will. Her death has left a whole in my soul that will not easily heal. Is it true that a piece of my heart is gone, did she really leave my 11 month godchild to not know her mother. To much pain and nowhere for it to go.

These pains have changed me. Did i want to change, well no i didn't. However, i do not know how to deal. I just now fully recognize the importance of both of them in my life, and they are both long gone. So yea, I'm trying to heal. While i attempt to do so, plz realize i really don't know how.