I think therefore I write

I yearn for peace.  Like the junky to the pipe and the wino to the bottle, peace is the only thing that keeps me.  Lately, my mental  space has been in turmoil, my wants, needs and actions are not equaling. I'm waiting for so much to happen, but then it's like what if what I want isnt what God wants for me at all.  What if what I'm praying for is not only not  what i need but something bad for me.  How do I know, and what do i do?

I think  about success.  My whole life I've known I was meant to be somebody, to touch lives, to make lives better.  However now when my heart is telling me I should be doing something, my feet and mind refuse to move.  I'm stuck in a seemingly dead end cycle of stagnant, yet ideas and dreams  constantly flood me.

I think of love. It was so easy  pretending to be a love hater. So easy to settle for being fwb cause "i dont want/need a commitment." Faking as if I didn't want a companion, as if I didn't yearn for someone to open up to as if I didn't want somebody to satisfy me spiritually, emotionally, and ultimately physically.  That was easy.  But that isnt me.  Now I have to face the pain of rejection as those around me go on dates, talk about who they like, dont like, and would never date.  Now i'm faced to admit that im lonely, that I wish it was me handing out my number and turning down dates for a change.  Now i'm faced with the reality that I can be girly, and I want someone to show off that side for.

I think about growing up.  Life is one long transitioning period for we're all constantly changing.  I'm on a path I've never seen. Learning to take the stepping stones I've encountered and not fret about the ones yet to come.  Admitting that I have had badddddd habits that have caused me strife, and it is my duty and personal responsibility to step up, step out of my downfall and step into my destiny.

I think about me.  Learning to be honest with oneself is one of the midst liberating and terrifying experiences all at once.  What do I do now that I  realize i have faults that I may or may not want to change.  How do I love myself enough to just be myself. I think  about it all.

And so I write.  To liberate myself from myself, and finally, confidently proclaim...I AM FREE AND HAPPY TO LOVE ME!!!!